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Behold the (Republican) Field….

16 Jun

…. and see how it is not barren.

I’m not young by any stretch, but I can’t remember when there were so many candidates vying for their party’s nomination. I like it. I’m jazzed to see a lot of diversity, both physical and mental. They certainly are not punched from the same cookie cutter. We have governors, senators, business peeps, a doctor, and even a former IRS commissioner. There are isolationists and trade advocates, reformers and Constitutionalists, and even the godly and the….less godly. I have my own pet names for some of them, and as usual my pet names are on the nice side because politics are just so ugly that I need some pretty and nice to deal with the crap.

The Legacy- Jeb (!) Bush. Not my fave. That whole Common Core-slash-immigration stance grates like sandpaper on my behind.

The Hair- Donald Trump. He runs as conservative because he can’t breathe over in the Democrat party due to Hillary Clinton taking all the oxygen. Not sure how Bernie Sanders is alive. Possibly formaldehyde, like Keith Richards.

The Perennial- Jack Fellure. He runs EVERY CYCLE. Has for years.

The Equalizer- Ted Cruz. He kicks ass.

The Shootist- Rick Perry. Also kicks ass and will kill anything that threatens him or his dog, and has proved it.

The Sass- Carly Fiorina. Oh em gee she runs circles around the media and does it with a smile on her face.

The Saint- Rick Santorum. He’s got a heart of gold and a brain of lead, but God love him and so do a lot of peeps.

The Brimstone- Mike Huckabee. Sigh….. he’s like the Jim Bakker of the party.

The Charmer- Marco Rubio. He’s charming and has some issues, but his character isn’t one of them.

The Mad Hatter- Rand Paul. Some sound stuff, irrevocably tossed to the side by tin foil and hubris.

The Wannabe- George Pataki. You can run on 2001 for only so long, dude.

There are others still considering a run, most notably Bobby Jindal and Scott Walker among them. So the field with probably be very fruitful by the end of the summer. I only hope it isn’t all nuts 😀

Mondayums!

31 Mar

I got stuck in a work warp for the last couple of weeks. Not that I am caught up now, but just wanted to drop this here to let our millions of viewers know that we are still alive and kicking here.

Please rate this post and drop a few duckets in the hosts coffee can by the door on your way out, thanks!

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To random or not to random…

20 Mar

I say, random.

If a tree falls down and only a woman hears it, what the hell was a tree doing in my kitchen?

I never know what to do with my hands when I’m at a urinal besides flick the earlobes of the guy next to me.

I’m selling shirts for armless people called Ampu-T’s.

The penis mightier than the sword. ha ha, penis.

“Polar bears can’t jump” — black bears

Ba ba black dude, have u any weed? – Racist nursery rhyme

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does this post seem bloated…?

~ Updated with an awesome factor of eleventythirtytwo ~

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Fourthsday Randomdom

13 Mar

In the interest of brevity, I’ll keep this short.

If they grew up in the same house and shared a pet, siblings have the same porn name and I think that’s just SICK.

I’m opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter in my stomach.

It’s been pretty rough going, but I think I finally beat my crippling addiction to sobriety.

That awkward moment when you step on a lego and all the kids scatter because they know SOMEONE must die.

Does anyone know how to take care of a Fern? Asking for a frond.

I ate one of those artisan pizzas and now I can’t stop painting my bathroom.

Hey Feminazis, I sprained my wrist playing softball this weekend, so you can shut up about the “pain of childbirth.”

I wish there was a job that required me to pet a room full of basset hounds all day long.

LOOK!!! PICTURES..!

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C.th (31)You are now free to roam about the cabin.

So, FRIDAY!!!

7 Mar

Yay!! Friday is here, and seems to be in a good mood.

Unless you are up north, still blanketed by Winter, the soulless bitch.

So perk up, ya wankers, and look forward to the weekend!! And if people are bringing you down, make sure to share this with them.

universe gfy lol

HAVE A GREAT FRIDAY!!! 😀

UPDATE FOR THE WEEKEND!!!

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So there 😛

Fourthsday!

27 Feb

Here are some thought shenanigans:

Generally speaking, a woman’s hotness is directly proportional to the number of times your wife calls her a whore.

Here it is 2014 and we’re not driving dragons? The future sickens me.

Blind snipers have no idea what they’re missing.

“Guys, I don’t think we should drink so much yesterday” – me on Sunday

I want transition lenses that turn black whenever someone starts talking to me.

Obese people are roll models.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

It should be legal to shoot people who speed up only to keep you from passing.

Let’s hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those fuckers.

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The FEMA camps are ready for you now, please proceed to the nearest provided vehicular transport to show you to your new home.

ThUR$dhEy pOs7

13 Feb

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and for the homerun swing!

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please review and take notes, there will be a test.

Randobamanations

6 Feb

SWIDT?

We have enough pictures of airplane wings now, people who travel. Thanks.

If you ever get attacked by a group of white people, just yell “EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!” and they’ll all stop to do the Cha Cha Slide.

Did you hear the one about Dorian Gray’s stool sample? That shit NEVER gets old.

How do you even get a permit to build a city on rock and roll?

Moonwalk away after mugging someone because you’re a smooth criminal.

Dear Garment Manufacturers:  Short Shorts should not come in a size 16. Warmest Regards, People with eyes.

“Who are you wearing?” -red carpet interviewer at the Serial Killer Awards

Glee has ruined that word for me.

“Sorry, I lost the name of that person you just met 5 mins ago. But check this out, I found the complete lyrics to Stairway to Heaven!” – my brain

Ironically its exactly 12 steps from my car to the liquor store.

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Open Thread

27 Jan

Since we average about 25 comments per post, this should go fast.  My wife’s car was broke into over the weekend, I feel as violated as Katy Perry getting her first record deal. It’s really cold here and getting colder. There’s a bird on my window sill.

See, open threads are easy.

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Like I said… cold.

Weather update!

Snow with a chance of boobs!

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Mis-remembered music lyrics

23 Jan

We’ve all done it. Howling out our favorite hip hop tune in the shower while shaving our back hair, right? And then the spouse walks in and says, “what was that last line you just sang?”. And you’re all like, “uh, you know, the song… that part where it goes, ” Come on ride the train, erotic…””. And she’s like, “you idiot, that’s not how it goes!” and “momma told me you were a moron!” and “you stole my best years…!” and so on.

So, what’s the most damage you’ve done or heard done to a song? I’m not afraid to post a boob pic or 3 if it helps get the thread going!

OK, fine! Here…

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I remember my college roommate squealing along to the Cult’s – I love Lorraine, man did that make me convulse with laughter hearing that idiot mess that one up.