Joke Thread / 2014

9 Jan

Post your favorite. Judging will begin almost immediately. The winner will receive enlightenment and some Horehounds (http://www.candyfavorites.com/horehound-drops (like I would make that up)).

Feel free to share your best jokes, puns, quips, one-liners, wisecracks, drollery, witticism, bon mot or just a plain old raillery. Don’t hold back, your parents will never see this, let us have it.

I’ll start:

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, “What do you expect for $10 — lobster?”

Not my best effort, but you get the idea. Now start crunching some brain matter and share the funny.

Oh yea, this…

diana morales2

23 Responses to “Joke Thread / 2014”

  1. GMLand January 9, 2014 at 11:27 am #

    I just ran into a grammar fanatic out with whom I once made.

  2. GMLand January 9, 2014 at 11:35 am #

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    nothing rhymes with arugula.

  3. GMLand January 9, 2014 at 11:39 am #

    Nothing funnier than the sound of a joke thread with no jokes.

  4. luvbloodhounds January 9, 2014 at 12:16 pm #

    A cannibal went for a walk in the woods and he passed his brother. Ba-dump-dump.

  5. GMLand January 9, 2014 at 12:22 pm #

    Cannibal Husband-I don’t like your Mother.
    Cannibal Wife- Try the potatoes.

  6. Sentry January 9, 2014 at 12:48 pm #

    I was watching my neighbour’s wife masturbate with my telescope the other night. I couldn’t see very well, though.

    I wish I’d had my telescope.

  7. LC Aggie Sith January 9, 2014 at 1:22 pm #

    SENTRY!!!

    Glad you found the invite πŸ˜€

    A man walks into a bar. The second man ducked.

  8. reiuxcat January 9, 2014 at 1:32 pm #

    What do you call an Aggie after 5 years on the job?

    Boss.

  9. LC Aggie Sith January 9, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

    Reiuxcat wins.

  10. reiuxcat January 9, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

    Did you hear what happened when the Aggie moved from Texas to Oklahoma?

    The average IQ of both states went up one point.

  11. reiuxcat January 9, 2014 at 1:35 pm #

    πŸ˜€

  12. xbradtc January 9, 2014 at 1:46 pm #

    A horse walks into a bar.

    The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

  13. GMLand January 9, 2014 at 1:49 pm #

    XB – This thread is for humor, you’re out of your depth. πŸ˜‰

  14. LC Aggie Sith January 9, 2014 at 1:58 pm #

    The bartender says, β€œWhy the long Sarah Jessica Parker face?”

    Fixeted πŸ˜€

  15. Sentry January 9, 2014 at 2:26 pm #

    Cheers, Aggie!

    What do you call a psychic midget who skips bail?

    A small medium at large.

  16. terribletroy January 9, 2014 at 3:01 pm #

    There was a Bear and a Rabbit in the woods. And they were taking a shit. The Bear looks at the Rabbit and say’s “Excuse me, but do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur.?” The Rabbit replied “No”. …….So the bear wiped his ass with the Rabbit……

  17. LC Aggie Sith January 9, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. GMLand January 9, 2014 at 3:29 pm #

    A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It’s about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”
    The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator. I’ll prove it to you.”
    He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?”
    The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long!”

  19. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere January 9, 2014 at 3:51 pm #

    Jeffrey Dahmer’s Mother was eating dinner with him one evening, and put her fork down, looked at him, and said “Jeffrey, I DON’T like your friends.”

    Dahmer paused for a moment, and said, “Ok Mom. Just eat the noodles.”

  20. osoloco11 January 9, 2014 at 4:57 pm #

    Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was already taken πŸ™‚

  21. LC Aggie Sith January 9, 2014 at 5:09 pm #

    *nods sagely*

    No joke πŸ˜‰

  22. GMLand January 9, 2014 at 5:26 pm #

    A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.” The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.” Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!” Bartender says “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”

  23. GMLand January 15, 2014 at 6:25 pm #

    What happens if a guy eats shoe polish and Viagra before bed?

    in the morning he will rise and shine!

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