You’re only as old as you act.

10 Jan

Just before the funeral services, The undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’
’98,’ she replied, ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference..

Have a good Tuesday!

80 Responses to “You’re only as old as you act.”

  1. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 8:11 am #

    GOOD MORNING PEASANTS!!!

    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    That’s genius right there.

  2. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 8:44 am #

    Gmorning! I figured we could all relate to that one. Well, I can at least.

    Stupid New Years Resolutions. 2 years running.

  3. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 8:47 am #

    I don’t do resolutions any more. It’s a no win sitch for me.

    My youngest sister is doing Weight Watchers. She called me up so excited to let me know she has dropped four pounds. I was cheering her on, and suddenly she says, “You should do it with me.”

    I’m 5′ 2″ and about 125 lbs. on my worst day….

  4. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 8:50 am #

    Yeah, you don’t need it.

    I lost 25 last year, want to break the 200 mark this year. People noticed, so I know it did some good. Along with 20 points of blood pressure. Looks like I’ll have to break out the running shoes.

  5. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 8:56 am #

    Amazing how your BP drops, huh?

    Believe it or not, Hubby’s has dropped since being in Egypt. He is of the opinion that PT has been helpful in that regard.

    I told him being away from the clusterfuck that is the Pathology Dept. hasn’t hurt, either.

  6. Stinky's Dad January 10, 2012 at 9:03 am #

    5’11” ~ 205lbs for the last thirty five years and foreseeable future.
    I could drop or gain 10 lbs and it wouldn’t matter.

  7. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 9:09 am #

    I put on 50 when I quit smoking (and quit working in a bar/pizza place full time) 8 years ago. Stupid desk jobs.

  8. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere January 10, 2012 at 9:18 am #

    My new years resolution was to stop punching down on the internet.

  9. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 9:21 am #

    Stay off facebook, BiW. Resolution success!

  10. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 9:22 am #

    Stay off facebook, BiW.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  11. Stinky's Dad January 10, 2012 at 10:03 am #

    I miss Jazz. The biting wit, dry sense of humor; And let’s not forget those long legs and ass like a 10 yr old boy.
    Jazz, if you come back, I wanna be your bottomer.

  12. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 10:05 am #

    HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!

    There went my coffee, bastich.

  13. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 10:12 am #

    Ok, that’s more info than I needed this morning.

  14. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    I know it’s Luap Nor, but this is funny (who cares if it’s fake): http://imgur.com/gallery/ENmCw

  15. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX January 10, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    Peasant Community Theater presents “TiFW’s Adventures in Parenting”

    It’s 8:10 a.m. on a rainy Tuesday morning. The telephone rings.

    DD#2: I need my Social Security card so I can get a job. I have an interview at 9:00 this morning and another one tomorrow morning at 9:00. Can you send it to me?

    TiFW: Why don’t you contact the SS Office down there and get a copy from them? I can’t get it to you that fast.

    DD#2: But I have to have it to get a job.

    TiFW: Okay – well, I think you’re going to get it faster if you go there. Just look it up online.

    DD#2: But I don’t have Internet at my apartment. I don’t know what I need to take with me to get a SS card.

    TiFW (biting tongue): Take your laptop with you to someplace that DOES have Internet service and look it up.

    DD#2: But you’re right there at your computer. Can you look it up for me?

    TiFW (thinking to self of all of the other times when DD#2 has asked her to do this, then doesn’t pay attention to what is being said, doesn’t have pen and/or paper to write stuff down, etc.): I could, but you need to learn how to do this stuff for yourself.

    DD#2: So you want me to take my laptop in my car and just leave it out there where anyone can see it and steal it? Why don’t I just drive up to Fort Worth and pick the card up myself?

    TiFW (feeling another grey hair starting to sprout): How about you put the laptop where no one can see it if you don’t want it to get stolen? You know, like UNDER THE SEAT OF THE CAR????? And yeah, you’re going to drive over 3 hours and waste a tank of gas instead of going locally to get a SS card?

    DD#2: They aren’t going to be able to give me a card today – it’s going to take time for it to get to me.

    TiFW: It’s going to take just as long for me to send it to you. And you don’t KNOW that they can’t give you a card today – you haven’t even talked with them.

    DD#2: Well, how long is it going to take? And what do I need to do to get a SS card?

    TiFW: I don’t know. Call them up and ask them.

    DD#2: Can’t you do that?

    TiFW: I’m not the one who NEEDS the SS card. You’re a grown-up now – time to learn how to do this stuff for yourself.

    DD#2: (Click)

    FIN.

  16. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 10:14 am #

    *reads Teresa’s comment*

    *weeps for my future*

  17. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    That’s a funny pic, J’Ames. Even fake, it should be passed around to just screw with Obamabots.

  18. Stinky's Dad January 10, 2012 at 10:23 am #

    I’m tired of having to fake orgasms. It’s time to have a talk with Bear.

  19. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 10:41 am #

    How does a man fake an orgasm???

    No, I don’t want to know.

  20. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX January 10, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    Dick tosses that comment out there, and THAT’S what you’re wondering about, Ags?

    I’m really starting to worry about you, girlfriend…… 😛

  21. Stinky's Dad January 10, 2012 at 11:09 am #

    Well ya see, Aggie… When a man and a woman like each other a whole lot….

  22. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  23. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere January 10, 2012 at 11:16 am #

    How does a man fake an orgasm???

    A Chevy Vega? For me?

    SSqqquuuuueeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

    You shouldn’t have.

  24. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere January 10, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    So I was watching the Lamborghini episode of Top Gear last night.

    I will never, ever lose the mental image of Captain Slow parallel parking a Countach.

  25. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 11:24 am #

    I take it it was bad?

  26. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere January 10, 2012 at 11:44 am #

    Actually, he did a good job considering.

    Its more the mental picture of this behemoth of a car, being parallel parked, on this bucolic street in a little English town, with all the oldsters looking on.

    I had more fun with Richard describing the issues with the Lambo Muira as he drove it, because although it also had its shortcomings, you knew that he still didn’t care…nor should he have, because it is a right brilliant car it is.

  27. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere January 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

  28. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere January 10, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

    The look on the Hamster’s face at 3:50 was not faking an orgasm, BTW.

  29. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

    *watches video*

    Wow…he sure wasn’t.

  30. TerribleTroy January 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

    @ TiFW

    My son is 12, the daughter is 20. Both have heard the following more than once.

    “Your failure to properly think ahead and prepare in no way obligates me to jump through hoops today to accommodate your FAILURE to think.” And….. ” I absolutely REFUSE to do for you what you can easily do FOR YOURSELF.”

    This is the kinda shit that for some reason just pisses me off on a number of levels. Pure freaking lazy with a dose of stupid. My son will come in and say “Dad will you make me a PB&J?” The answer is NO. He can make his own fucking PB&J! I make his lunch and his supper, but again I refuse to do for him what he can do for himself. The daughter tried(s) to drop off her laundry and then “forgets” about it. Fuck that. She figured it out after returning two days later to find her damp mildew clothes in her basket on top of her unwashed clothes. I won’t even put them in the dryer. But what she counts on is her mother covering for her.

    I tell them how do something, I show them how do something, they demonstrate that they can do something, after that they are on their own.

    I could walk out of the house and get hit by the proverbial bus any day of the week, then what are they going to do? My job is to teach, provide guidance, and be a role model, not to hold the hand of a 20 yr old while they “grow up.” Conversely they know (its been demonstrated) that if they call Daddy when they are in true “need” that Daddy will do whatever it takes. One highschool teacher decided it was somehow appropriate to just generally be a snarky shithead to my daughter and make her cry. This behavior stopped after Daddy advised said “teacher” that he (Daddy) was more than willing to follow the teacher home, break both his fucking legs and burn down his house. Now truth be known, I probably wouldn’t have burned down his house… but I digress.

    You did the right thing, this is life. They can learn to approach it proactively or let it wash over them and suffer the consequences. I’m not going to “save” them from themselves and I’ll be damned if I’m going to enable a perpetual childhood. Its not right for me, its not right for them, and its not right for society.

    Oh and I almost forgot,……. BOOBIES!

  31. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 12:37 pm #

    I like boobs. Thanks for reminding me, Troy.

  32. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    HEY!!!

    Where’s the kitteh avatar???

  33. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

    Fixed.

  34. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 1:00 pm #

    Sigh…. Kittehs are different in the internet.

  35. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

    No more Twinkies? http://is.gd/78xaL0

  36. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

    No more Twinkies?

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

    *stabs Food Police with pitchforks*

  37. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 1:50 pm #

    I think they are confusing the word “torpedo” with the word “rescue”.

  38. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    Why aren’t the much vaunted and feared Iranian Navy handling these rescues?

  39. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

    Because it’s birthing season on goat farms?

    Ok, that’s just bad.

  40. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 2:02 pm #

    They only hang out at goat farms during mating and date rape season.

  41. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 2:14 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  42. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX January 10, 2012 at 2:54 pm #

    Yeah, Troy – I was just bitchin’……

    What I DIDN’T say to DD#2 was, “Gee, I guess you really DID have it good when you were enrolled in a world-class university, living in a dorm on campus that had Internet and Cable instantly available, where Mommy and Daddy were helping you pay for everything, you were barely carrying a full-time load, and the only thing you had to do was go to class and make good grades, huh? Too bad you screwed that up – welcome to the big, bad world.”

    I COULD have said that.
    I WANTED to say that.

    But I didn’t……

  43. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    You should have, Teresa.

    Reality may be a bitter pill, but it has to be taken, sometimes in large doses.

  44. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere January 10, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    *waits for TiFW to finally drop that F-bomb*

  45. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    You have a long wait, BisW.

  46. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere January 10, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

    She’s gonna make me pull her hair, ain’t she?

  47. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm #

    Go ahead, BisW….

    *watches while reaching for popcorn*

  48. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    It’s getting close to ‘that time’.

  49. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

    If TiFW is gonna drop an F bomb, I wanna be there. Don’t taunt without me!

  50. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    If by “that time” you mean five o’clock, it’s past in Puerto Rico.

    If you mean “revolucion!”, well, you’re right, too.

  51. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    It’s getting close to ‘that time’.

    Did Jazz show up?

  52. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    No, but I hope Bear is hiding somewhere.

  53. TerribleTroy January 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    I agree with the others TiFW you should have. Kids…ya cant kill em…and you cant give them to the DOG.

    Maybe if TiFW eased into it….she could start with a “frak”…

  54. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

    you cant give them to the DOG.

    Hm….darn….

  55. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX January 10, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

    You should have, Teresa.
    Reality may be a bitter pill, but it has to be taken, sometimes in large doses.

    Naaah –
    She and I are a LOT alike; the last thing I need is for someone to point out all the times that I screwed up – I already know what I did wrong (well-meaning family members “helpfully” keep reminding me of those times, though…..).

    Now, if she continues down that road, I’ll ride her ass about it – but somehow I think that she is going to surpass all expectations. Some of us just need that rude awakening to light a fire under us to bring out the scrappy fighter that’s simmering right below the surface.

    She’s got that in her – she just has to be dragged kicking and screaming to discover it.

    After she figures out that she can, indeed, find a way to get the information that she needs, there will be no stopping her.

    (All of this “confidence building” had better earn me a damn nice apartment at a top-of-the-line nursing home, I tell you what…..)

  56. MCPO Airdale January 10, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

  57. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 5:32 pm #

    Howdy, MCPO!!!

    How was your golfing today?

  58. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

    Back to kittens.
    Hey Chief!

  59. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

    Awwww, I do love that pic 😀

  60. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

    Chief, what do ya know about the Warrant Officer program and their lives? Stinky’s thinkin’ about applying to become an Air Defense WO.

  61. MCPO Airdale January 10, 2012 at 6:56 pm #

    SD – Warrant Officers have the life of Riley! All of the benefits of a commission with very little of the officer bullshit.

    Aggie – Golf was great! Nice sunny day. Started out when the temp was about 35F and it was near 50F when we finished. Oh, and they had beer in the clubhouse!!

  62. roamingfirehydrant January 10, 2012 at 8:21 pm #

    Teresa, I know just how you feel.

    Rocketboy signed up for Technical Theater for spring semester. He thought it would be running the lights and sound for whatever play the drama dept was putting on, and it would meet the fine arts requirement for graduation. The fall semester included MAKEUP, and he was having serious doubts about the class. I said go see the guidance counselor if you want to change it. I don’t give a damn what fine arts class he takes, as long as he graduates. He farted around until last week, then wanted *me* to get it changed. I said, “Son, there’s a lot of battles I will fight for you, but that’s not one of them.”

    This semester, they are teaching set construction. Not so bad after all.

    I’m kinda wishing it was makeup just so he’d learn a lesson about not procrastinating.

  63. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

    Chief, thanks. I’ll let him know what ya think.

  64. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 9:08 pm #

    Roamy, I took a year of the same course during HS and it was awesome beyond words.
    Tell RB to keep his head up because the possibilities of getting laid in that class are absolutely endless.

  65. roamingfirehydrant January 10, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

    Hahahahaha, yeah, Dick, I’m going to tell my son how to get laid.

  66. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 9:29 pm #

    “Son, there’s a lot of battles I will fight for you, but that’s not one of them.”

    Heh! Same stuff I have told my Eldest. Procrastination must be a teen thing.

  67. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    Dick…ever so wise… 😉

  68. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

    Just tell him to read my comment.
    Here, my thought for the evening.

  69. roamingfirehydrant January 10, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

    Procrastination must be a teenchild thing.

    Mini-me does it, too, unless she’s really motivated. Take Girl Scout cookies, for example. She gets some prize if she sells so many boxes by Friday. She’s buggin’ the shit out of everyone.

  70. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 10:03 pm #

    HAHAHAHA!!! My mini-me does that too, Roamy.

    Every. Fucking. Fundraiser.

    Dick, I have felt that for a long time, but more so when McCain endorsed him.

  71. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 10:49 pm #

    If Perry or Gingrich don’t do well in South Carolina, there won’t be any stopping it.

    We’ll just have to hope he’ll name a Palin type candidate in the second slot.

  72. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 10:54 pm #

    That didn’t help last time, J’Ames.

    And Romney owes a lot of favors, so I’m guessing it’s going to be a RINO.

  73. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    Zombie Reagan well truly be our only hope.

  74. Dick (@DicksTrash) January 10, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    Either that, or my Browning custom.

  75. Jay in Ames January 10, 2012 at 11:03 pm #

    It’ll help this time. Obama doesn’t have the fan base he had last time.

  76. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

    Browning custom?

    HAWT!!

  77. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 11:07 pm #

    Obama doesn’t have the fan base he had last time.

    That’s true, but now he’s going after the kids, what with Michelle doing that kids show.

  78. LC Aggie Sith January 10, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

    Kids don’t vote, but their parents do.

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