For those who remember The Hollywood Squares

13 Dec

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course…

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde:  Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde:  If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver:  Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…
A. George Gobel:  Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts:  That’s what’s been keeping me awake…

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A.. Rose Marie:  No wait until morning…

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver:  My sense of decency…

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price:  No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty…

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel:  I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment…

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie:  You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget…

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde:  Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. .

Q.. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver:  Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries….

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie:  Ralph, the pin boy. .

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde:  Tape measures…

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie:  Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom…

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen:  Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde:  Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde:  Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver:  It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde:  Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel:  Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde:  Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver:  I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver:  His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde:  Point and laugh

34 Responses to “For those who remember The Hollywood Squares”

  1. LC Aggie Sith December 13, 2011 at 8:36 am #

    Paul Lynde was a treasure. All of the regulars on Hollywood Squares were. I tried watching the “new” version, and it was so forced and contrived it seemed trashy.

  2. LC Aggie Sith December 13, 2011 at 8:37 am #

    AND GOOD MORNING!!!!

    *waits patiently for Carin*

  3. TerribleTroy December 13, 2011 at 8:40 am #

    This the funniest Tuesday morning post EVAH!!!.

    Good good stuff!

  4. Jay in Ames December 13, 2011 at 8:50 am #

    And I have the makings for tomorrow mornings poat, too.

    Hope no one minds. This one is a doozy.

  5. Jay in Ames December 13, 2011 at 8:55 am #

    Funniest Tuesday poat evah? I don’t know, the bar is pretty high for that honor.

    The only thing that would be funnier would be TiFW dropping an F bomb.

  6. The Queen December 13, 2011 at 9:02 am #

    This made me so happy! I remember watching that show… Paul Lynd was the best! Oh for simpler times!

  7. LC Aggie Sith December 13, 2011 at 9:25 am #

    The only thing that would be funnier would be TiFW dropping an F bomb.

    I could die waiting…

  8. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 13, 2011 at 10:49 am #

    J’ames, your William Hung link last night ALMOST had me dropping an f-bomb.
    Almost.

    Yeah, those were the “good old days” of TV – there was so much competition for the plum jobs that only the cream rose to the top.

    I STILL remember being mad that the Watergate hearings were cutting into my game shows in the summertime! Stupid Democrats…..

    Remember Foster Brooks and those Dean Martin roasts? That was some FUNNY TV (and I was just a kid who shouldn’t have been laughing in the first place….):

  9. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 13, 2011 at 10:51 am #

    I made a post-production addition to today’s post – GMLand reminded me of a classic that had to be included (it’s the last song):

    My Advent Calendar of Music – Day #13: Odds and Ends http://t.co/qhxryAUz

  10. Jay in Ames December 13, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    That William Hung link was teh awful, wasn’t it? Loved it!

  11. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere December 13, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    I was thinking about the old game shows last night.

    I was watching the Jose Chung’s Dooomsday Defense episode of Millenium which guest starred…Charles Neslon Reily.

  12. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 13, 2011 at 11:43 am #

    I loved The Match Game…..

  13. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere December 13, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    Especially with the funky porno music for the intro and bumpers.

  14. MCPO Airdale December 13, 2011 at 12:31 pm #

    When was this show on?

  15. Car in December 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    wankey wankey

  16. TerribleTroy December 13, 2011 at 1:31 pm #

    Charles Nelson Riley is still alive?

    Oh and BisW…..DOG really really likes the trophy! I mean he REALLY likes the trophy….

    row, row, row……

    Muwahahahahahahaha

  17. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 13, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    Blowed-up jihadis – now in color!
    (Some of these clips are old; WeaselZippers set them to music):

  18. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere December 13, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

    Charles Nelson Riley is still alive?

    I don’t think so. That episode originally aired in 1997.

  19. LC Aggie Sith December 13, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

    I think I glued my pants…

  20. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 13, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

    CNR died in 2007 –

  21. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere December 13, 2011 at 3:52 pm #

  22. LC Aggie Sith December 13, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    I loved that show. Lance Henriksen? HAWT!!

  23. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

    That’s the dude from LOST/Hawaii Five-O that he’s talking to, right?

  24. LC Aggie Sith December 13, 2011 at 4:26 pm #

    Terry O’Quinn, Teresa.

    Also, HAWT!!!

  25. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere December 13, 2011 at 5:20 pm #

    His character in this show was actually a scary dude, but you don’t find that out until towards the end of season two.

    Going back and watching it, I realize that it pioneered several techniques and storytelling devices, most prominent among them the “poof” moment where you have a still image of a scene before proceeding with the story, kind of like how NCIS does it, only it isn’t a flash forward.

  26. TerribleTroy December 13, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

    After careful analysis I. (Dr. Terrible) have concluded that the use of obscenities in a excess equals lots more comments. And yes you bunch of smurt asses “lots more” is a genuine, bonafide scientific standard of measure. This research was conducted under the most strictest conditions and is therefore infallible, and not to be questioned (translation DOG told me.) So without further adieu…. SHIT, PISS, FUCK! (That was me dahs favorite expression when frustrated)

  27. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere December 13, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    I love watching the jailers release their overnighters across the street from my office. I think some of them even have something resembling shame at getting out of the pokeymobile and having their shit handed to them.

  28. LC Aggie Sith December 13, 2011 at 6:54 pm #

    (That was me dahs favorite expression when frustrated)

    My papi’s was CONO!!

  29. Jay in Ames December 13, 2011 at 8:54 pm #

    Merry New Year!

  30. Jay in Ames December 13, 2011 at 9:42 pm #

    Another poat ready to go in the AM.

  31. TerribleTroy December 13, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

    I wonders if Aggie could coerce TiFW to give a SPF shout out

  32. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 13, 2011 at 10:19 pm #

    I wonders if Aggie could coerce TiFW to give a SPF shout out

    Sure thing –

    “Go, Coppertone!!!!!” 😛

  33. LC Aggie Sith December 13, 2011 at 10:59 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

    Teresa is very, VERY hard to shake, Troy 😀

  34. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 14, 2011 at 12:48 am #

    Not to mention a bit of a smart-ass….. 😛

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