A Christmas Tradition

8 Dec


.
My Friend Bob’s Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 cup nuts
1 gallon whiskey
**************************************
1. Take a large bowl.
2. Check the whiskey to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
3. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 cup butter in large bowl.
4. Add sugar and beat again.
5. Check the whiskey again. Cry another tup. Or two.
6. Turn off the mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl, along with the dried fruit.
7. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
8. Sample the whiskey again to check for consisticity.
9. Sift the salt. Or something. Who cares.
10. Check the whiskey again.
11. Sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one tablespoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever.
12. Grease the oven.
13. Set the cake pan to 350 degrees.
14. Beat off the turner.
15. Throw the bowl out the window and finish what’s left of the whiskey.

 

Update, to match the categories:

39 Responses to “A Christmas Tradition”

  1. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 8:24 am #

    You know, I do love to cook with wine, and sometimes I even put it in the food 😉

    GOOD MORNING!!!

  2. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 8, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    I sure do hope it was one of the guys who added the last “category” on this poat….

  3. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 8:52 am #

    You might be a redneck, if you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

    -Jeff Foxworthy

  4. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 8:56 am #

    I sure do hope it was one of the guys who added the last “category” on this poat….

    Wasn’t me, but I’ll update the poat to match the categories!

  5. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 8, 2011 at 8:59 am #

    Dr’s appointments all morning (schedule ’em back to back, so you don’t have to go out as often) – goody….

    Here’s a link to today’s poat at my blog site (drops @ 8:00 a.m. CST) – today the gentlemen get treated to sultry songs by sexy ladies:
    My Advent Calendar of Music – Day #8: What a Girl Wants: http://wp.me/p1ipEz-Zg

  6. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 8, 2011 at 9:02 am #

    Now see, J’Ames – here I thought whoever changed it thought that I was a sexy thang, but maybe not…

    *leaves room, head hanging, tear spilling out of eye*

  7. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 9:03 am #

    Hey now, it says “women”, not “woman”. As in plural

    *pats self on back for recovery.

  8. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 8, 2011 at 9:05 am #

    *looks at picture that J’Ames added*

    So THAT’S how Giada does it – the blood of virgins….
    (I’m surprised she can find any in LA – all the girls drive in cars WITH THE TOP DOWN)

  9. TerribleTroy December 8, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    Was that “driving with tops down” a boobie reference?

    BOOBIES!

  10. The Queen December 8, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    Beat off the turner…. Oh my! I am crying from laughing! Good Morning! I love the talk of blood of virgins and pants flying about the room… life is good!

  11. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 10:19 am #

  12. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    Teresa, that was me who did the categories, because YOU ARE THAT SEXEH!!!

    So there 😉

  13. Car in December 8, 2011 at 10:28 am #

    Ha ha ha …

    wankey wankey

  14. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    http://www.jammiewf.com/2011/of-course-newts-gay-stepsister-voting-for-obama/

    Of course, she neglects to say that her hero Obama HAS THE SAME POSITION ON GAY MARRIAGE AS GINGRICH.

    The stupid, it burns.

  15. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 10:56 am #

  16. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    Fucker….

  17. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher? No f’in way. I would have picked Timothy Olyphant from Justified. Reacher is supposed to be a large man.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790724/

  18. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 11:28 am #

    Ok, all y’all have to commet at both Sithy and H&B today. I need the luv…

  19. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere December 8, 2011 at 11:59 am #

    Why not? Cruise already defiled the character Lestat in the awful adaptation of Interview With The Vampire.

  20. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    Yet another movie I will not watch, J’Ames.

  21. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 1:09 pm #

    Shots fired at Virginia Tech campus. I hope it’s nothing, ugh.

    http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/virginia-tech-shots-fired-campus-15113969#.TuD8XNVLOQI

  22. The Queen December 8, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    I LOVE me some Timothy Olyphant….. Justified AND Deadwood oh wow! Tom Cruise can go suck a …. well, the Queen doesn’t cuss, but you get my point!

  23. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere December 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm #

    I can’t COMPLETELY hate Tom Cruise.

    He turned a fast lap on Top Gear.

    Dick.

  24. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

    That can’t be right, J”ames, because VA Tech passed even more gun control laws after the 32 people were killed….

  25. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

  26. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 8, 2011 at 1:48 pm #

    Here’s another good one from Bob (who is a gal, BTW): http://bluebirdofbitterness.wordpress.com/2011/12/08/ill-be-home-for-christmas/

    Click on her “About Me” section – she’s a hoot!

  27. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm #

    Zactly, J’Ames!!

  28. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 8, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    Oh, and Troy – the comment about “the top down” had more to do with that comment from the Saudi guy about how there would be no virgins left in S.A. if they let women drive; I figger driving with the top down has got to be even worse….

    Of course, my reply to that idiot’s asinine statement was, “You can always make more.” (Virgins, not cars)

    Granted, they marry them at 9, and they don’t become able to have kids until they are at least 12, and girl babies aren’t prized like boy babies, but I guess it’s a full-time job being a hard-line Sharia Muslim…..

  29. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 1:57 pm #

    how there would be no virgins left in S.A. if they let women drive

    Oh…SAUDI ARABIA!!!

  30. TerribleTroy December 8, 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    Well if I had my way, women would drive with their tops down all the time! They just have to be careful not to sunburn their BOOBIES! Sunburnt Boobies BAD!

  31. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

  32. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 3:18 pm #

  33. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    Larry the Cable Guy reads “Twas the Night Before Christmas”:

  34. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 3:57 pm #

    Why are the tweets showing up like that here, J’Ames??

  35. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX December 8, 2011 at 5:13 pm #

    You’d think that atheists from up North would have learned by now that you Don’t Mess With Texas.

    You’d be wrong…..

    http://is.gd/kU4qPk

    Who’s got the popcorn?

  36. Jay in Ames December 8, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    I’m not sure why, aggie, I’ll have to look later.

  37. LC Aggie Sith December 8, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

    If it is open to all faiths, then the Freedom from Religion foundation tells News 8 it wants to put it’s own sign at the courthouse. One that reads, in part, “That there is no God, no devils, no angels or heaven” and that, “Religion hardens the heart and enslaves minds.”

    Hey, fucktards, YOU HAVE NO FAITH!!!

  38. clintbird December 9, 2011 at 12:49 am #

    New poat is up.

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