Makin a Baby

30 Sep

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon..’



Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat..

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted

35 Responses to “Makin a Baby”

  1. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    Hahahahahauyhauahahahahauhahyayhayayay!

    This douchebag just called and gave me the job at the higher price.
    https://uncivilpeasants.wordpress.com/2011/09/26/monday-morning-mindbenders/#comment-31314

  2. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 9:56 am #

    Later.

  3. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 10:01 am #

    Good for ya, SD!!!

    Good morning, y’all!!

    Great start to my day, J’Ames!!!

  4. Jay in Ames September 30, 2011 at 10:23 am #

    Awesome, SD.

  5. Jay in Ames September 30, 2011 at 10:40 am #

    hmm, this should get interesting…

  6. Jay in Ames September 30, 2011 at 10:49 am #

    Hah!

  7. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 11:42 am #

    This morning keeps getting better and better 😀

  8. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 11:55 am #

    I must be gettin chickafied cause we picked this flick outta the blue last night and I thought it was awesome.

  9. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere September 30, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    Mrs. Smith fainted.

    Yes.

    But she woke screaming my name. 🙂

  10. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    It’s not a true chick flick, since Rutger Hauer is in it, SD.

  11. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    Yeah, he is, but only for two scenes.

  12. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    It’s RUTGER HAUER!!!!

    Two scenes are more than enough….

  13. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 2:55 pm #

    Will someone please come over here and kick this cold in the ass for me???

  14. The Queen September 30, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

    She fainted…. hahahaha! This was a great boost this afternoon…. thanks 🙂

  15. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    It’s Friday and I’m ready to start drinking. Too bad I have to be on a job at 7am in the morning. That’s gonna suck working while still loaded.

  16. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 4:52 pm #

    Hahahahahaha! I know how this guy feels.
    http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=910_1317268174

  17. GuyS September 30, 2011 at 5:14 pm #

    Sounds like an interesting movie (I am finding that the “historical dramas”, especially those from the mid 20th century, are very enjoyable.) Will have to check and see if Netflix has it. Failing that, there is always the video store in town.

    Grab a couple o bottles of vino, some cheese, and we are good to go!

    *Offers to come down and kick the shit outta Aggies cold… in Chicago thug style ,,, “Nice little cold you got there, be a shame if something was to happen to it…

  18. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 6:29 pm #

    Just came out on video and we ‘borrowed’ it from the net. Great flick.

  19. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

    Thanks Guy 🙂

    I laid down for a while, and was able to actually SLEEP. That helped a lot.

  20. roamingfirehydrant September 30, 2011 at 6:52 pm #

    I think I have the same cold Aggie does. (I’m letting you wonder how I caught it.)

  21. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 7:08 pm #

    I should NEVER have typed here and spread a virus….

  22. GuyS September 30, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

    Damn those computer ITDs (Internet Transmitted Deseases)!

  23. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    I believe I sprayed plenty of Lysol around here, too.

  24. GuyS September 30, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    hmmmm so instead of “Veni, Vidi, Vici” perhaps you should “Veni, Vidi, Vich’s-i” (I came, I saw, I mentholated)

  25. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 30, 2011 at 8:50 pm #

    Hola!

    Thanks for the laugh, Jay – that was great!

    Aggie, I think that cold is going around the country right now; lots of people on lots of different blogs are complaining about it.

    Awright youse guys – I’m a single woman for the rest of the weekend, so you folks better keep me entertained…..

  26. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

    Colds are for mortals. Girls, shake it off!
    You are now healed!

  27. GuyS September 30, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    *Watches SD’s “laying of hands”, in “curing” the gals colds. Goes off to take a cold shower.

  28. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 10:13 pm #

    Imma wondering aboot your “healing” methods, SD….

  29. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

    They’re only kinky if you’re Jewish or Catholic.

  30. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

    Who else here is getting up at 6am and heading to a full day at work for a mooch Chinese motherfucker?

  31. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

    And yes, he is paying me way more than the job is worth.

  32. LC Aggie Sith September 30, 2011 at 10:36 pm #

    SD knows how to work it.

    If it matters, I have a school excursion to an ecological area all day. And I won’t be getting paid for it.

  33. Stinky's Dad September 30, 2011 at 10:48 pm #

    Yeah, but that’s for one of the kiddos, so you’d gladly do more if ya could.

  34. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 30, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

    Ruh-roh……

    I occasionally will cross-post my personal blog posts over at RedState in my personal diary.

    So I just got a pingback at my personal blog, and it goes to a New York Times blog, talking about the OccupyWallStreet protests:

    Criticism of the demonstrations has a home on the Web as well. A regular contributor to the conservative site Redstate.com, the blogger Teresa Koch, described the protests as “a lovely little temper tantrum being thrown by a bunch of well-fed white kids who fancy themselves as some sort of modern-day, new age revolutionaries,” and called on the protesters to forgo products from companies like Google and Apple, and the makers of Ivory soap.

    http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/09/30/protests-stir-up-voices-on-the-web/

    Good thing I’m going to bed soon……

  35. Stinky's Dad October 1, 2011 at 7:13 am #

    Teresa, you got comments moderated? That’s lame. Let ’em rip you and have fun.

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