How to wash a cat

12 Sep

1.  Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl…
2.  Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3.  In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4.  At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5.  Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘Power-Wash’ and ‘Rinse’.
6.  Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no  people between the bathroom and the front  door.
7.  Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8.  The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9.  Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

Have a laughingly great day!

46 Responses to “How to wash a cat”

  1. Jay in Ames September 12, 2011 at 8:33 am #

    Good morning!

  2. Jazz September 12, 2011 at 8:57 am #

    Good morning. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t followed those directions more than once in the past. I omitted the soap, but the rest is pretty much spot-on.

    To some it is infuriating that Bush was right. In part because he declined to use his popularity (at a time when his approval ratings hit 92%) to make 9/11 a pretext for reforming America, life did go on mostly as normal.

    Sometimes doing nothing constitutes a major accomplishment.

    http://tinyurl.com/3kup4wp

  3. Jazz September 12, 2011 at 8:58 am #

    And I’m off to the unemployment office.

  4. Jay in Ames September 12, 2011 at 9:01 am #

    Mornin Jazz. Good to see you!

    Columnist Thomas Friedman says that on 9/12 Bush should have announced a “Patriot Tax” of $1 per gallon of gas.

    Spoken like someone who lives in NYC, and doesn’t drive a car. Who does he think these taxes will hurt? The rich? Not likely. It’s the guy like me who has to drive 80 miles a day to work.

    And they actually pay this guy to write. Must be the China lobby, since he’s so friendly with them.

  5. Car in September 12, 2011 at 9:07 am #

    Morning. hi Jazz!!!!

    Fuck Thomas Friedman.

  6. LC Aggie Sith September 12, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Good morning!

    Good luck, Jazz!!

    And not on a bet, Carin 😉

  7. Jazz September 12, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    Guess I’m going in a bit. I have no clean clothing. I will do my laundry and then appear in public.

  8. Car in September 12, 2011 at 10:57 am #

    Sounds like a plan, Jazz.

  9. LC Aggie Sith September 12, 2011 at 11:16 am #

    *wonders what Jazz is wearing*

    Wut??

  10. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere September 12, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    Damn it, I’m getting sick and tired of these east coast liberal elites telling us how we should feel about 9/11, and why we are wrong to not have turned to slavishly tongue bathing a newly-minted nanny state.

    These people need to have a hot steaming bowl of fuck you from the rest of the country that exists away from the upper east side.

    Seriously. Between the almost hourly servicing of Obama and praying five times a day, where do they find the time to write this drivel?

  11. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere September 12, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    *wonders what Jazz is wearing*

    Wonder Woman underoos, elf slippers with bells on the toes, and a satin boxers robe that says “Legal Eagle” on the back?

  12. LC Aggie Sith September 12, 2011 at 11:31 am #

    BisW, I am in agreement, but what brought that on?

    And I’m not talking about Jazz’ attire…

  13. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere September 12, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    Kathy “I suck so much I fucked up a gig on CNN” Parker’s excrement on 9/11 (Ace did an excellent takedown of the useless bitch, BTW), Pauly “I never met another person’s dollar I didn’t want to spend for them” Krugman’s cowardly heel nipping yesterday, and EJ fucking Dion’s bullshit piece on why we need to forget 9/11.

    Fucking east coast elitist cockholsters and dick mittens typing their rarified view of the world from their Manhattan closets overlooking Central Park. There is no dick they wouldn’t suck or take from behind in the prison shower if it meant that they could still go to their cocktail parties and sneer at the little people in flyover country who labored to grow the food that went into the canapes that they daintily nosh with their immaculately manicured pinkies extended while they exchange tacit looks and bits of phrases to let each other know that 9/11 happened because of America and its inherently evil character, especially when lead by conservatives who manage to be both the stupidest leaders ever and at the same time brilliant war criminals who should be prosecuted by international authorities at the earliest opportunity, and not because of the bloodthirsty conquest-seeking tendencies of a bunch of goat-humping child-raping rock worshippers who are so very much in love with death that they see strapping on a bomb and wandering into a crowd of civilians before detonating themselves or flying commercial jetliners into skyscrapers filled with civilians as holy acts, and building trophy mosques on top of the sites of such attrocities as a moral imperative dictated to them by their “religion”.

    There is not enough contempt in the world for people who benefit so much from the aegis of freedoms that are rightfully the envy of the rest of the world and yet so clearly hate and despise those who freely sacrifice their lives in order to ensure that they have that right.

  14. Car in September 12, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

    ^ditto

  15. Car in September 12, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    9/11 isn’t about painting homeless shelters or anti-bullying or coming together. 9/11 is about “let’s roll.”

    It’s about kicking ass and taking names. It’s about coming together WHEN EVERYONE ELSE HAS BANDED AGAINST US.

    It’s not about helping the less fortunate. It’s about helping the American way of life.

  16. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 12, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

    I just got this from my aunt in my comments section:

    Dear niece, As usual, so well expressed. I remember Dec. 7, 1941 when Pearl Harbor was attacked. As I walked home from a visit with friends I could hear neighborhood radios being played more loud than usual and finally understood the announcement being made. I ran the rest of the way home to verify this with my mom, your paternal grandmother, Teresa. She had purchased a radio with BBC so that she could monitor news from the UK and European countries prior to their falls. We woke up to “Sunrise Serenade” at 6 a.m. even during our summer vacation and then the newscast. She would say, “There is going to be another war.” Two of her brothers had served in France during WWI and were traumatized in a fashion that we had no understanding of then.

    One of John’s sisters was living in Hawaii (military officer’s wife and her children) and they woke up to the devastation and finding how many of the fellow officers lives were taken. Our brother-in-law had that weekend off duty and lived to retire as a Captain in our U.S. Navy. At some time in the past you may have heard my memory of that day. That memory has always helped to create a very lasting fear to me that one of our coasts might be invaded.

    After reading that, I realized that my grandmother had just lost one of her sons a few months before the attack (an infection in the pre-penicillin days) and was still grieving that loss; to hear about Pearl Harbor must have been awful for a mother with 3 more sons at home.

  17. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 12, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    And BiW, I agree with you 100%.

  18. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 12, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

    I don’t know if it’s the wildfire debris being blown our way, the “usual” September pollenpalooza, or the fact that being on constant low-dosage steroids lets me experience the “sampler platter” of whatever viruses are in the air, but I have a scratchy throat and a runny nose.

  19. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 12, 2011 at 2:05 pm #

    *looks around*

    Guess I own the comments this afternoon, huh?

    *pulls out stool, puts feet up, settles in*

    Aaaah…..much better! Now, to the issue at hand:

    13 measly pieces of bacon in a pack? REALLY, Oscar Meyer? It’s a good thing there’s only 2 adults left in our house…..

  20. Stinky's Dad September 12, 2011 at 3:03 pm #

    (farts loud, damp, and long then looks around, giggles)

  21. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere September 12, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    Damp?

    *get mop to clean up floor*

  22. Stinky's Dad September 12, 2011 at 4:16 pm #

    So my job today consisted of my air compressor constantly overheating (therefor shutting down) and chopping through the power cord of my brick saw.

    Yep, I said “Fuck it” and came home early. Plus it was getting close to 100 degrees again.

  23. Stinky's Dad September 12, 2011 at 4:18 pm #

    (looks down at crotch)

    Hey! It’s a suspicious package!

  24. LC Aggie Sith September 12, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

    Hey! It’s a suspicious package!

    I don’t think that’s what Kelly would call it 😆

  25. Stinky's Dad September 12, 2011 at 5:11 pm #

    Heh…

    ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

    The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

    — John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

  26. LC Aggie Sith September 12, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Loved the glass-bottom boats 😉

  27. Stinky's Dad September 12, 2011 at 7:01 pm #

    This shithole is as dead as the Chief’s golf game.

  28. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 12, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

    The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels.

    “That explains SOOOO much!!!!!” says TiFW (whose maiden name is Hamilton)…….

  29. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 12, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

    I can already tell I’m gonna lose my voice with this cold.

    Or as Mr. TiFW tells the girls, “Mama’s nagger is broken!”

  30. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere September 12, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

    They had to leave the Welsh out.

    But then, most of them left the UK long ago.

  31. LC Aggie Sith September 12, 2011 at 7:30 pm #

    I hate to think what the Puerto Rican threat levels are.

    *leaves low hanging fruit*

  32. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 12, 2011 at 7:34 pm #

    There’s a reason they keep the PR’s isolated on that island, Aggie…… 😛

  33. LC Aggie Sith September 12, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    True story…. I was a freshman at A&M, living in the basement floor of Legett Hall. One gal, a prissy bimbo from Tomball, came up to me and asked me if I was Mexican.

    Me: No, I’m not.

    Her: Well, you’re not white.

    Me: No, I’m Puerto Rican.

    Her: Oh, isn’t that near New York??

    Me: Yes, it is….

    She became an accountant.

  34. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX September 12, 2011 at 8:50 pm #

    HOW did she get into A&M??!?!?!?!?

    She should have been at that other place, over in Austin……

  35. LC Aggie Sith September 12, 2011 at 8:53 pm #

    HOW did she get into A&M??!?!?!?!?

    IIRC, her parents were big donors 😉

  36. MCPO Airdale September 12, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

    I LOVE this!

    http://fwd4.me/0BKC

  37. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere September 12, 2011 at 9:38 pm #

    One of my favorite movies, Chief.

  38. Stinky's Dad September 12, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    Rick Perry is looking like a complete tool tonight.
    He’d better straighten the fuck up or his days are numbered.

  39. Stinky's Dad September 12, 2011 at 9:40 pm #

    That ol’ boy got his ass lit up.

  40. Car in September 13, 2011 at 8:09 am #

    wakey wakey.

    my eggs were particularly tasty today. Good chickens.

  41. Car in September 13, 2011 at 8:11 am #

    Her: Well, you’re not white.

    Me: No, I’m Puerto Rican.

    Her: Oh, isn’t that near New York??

    Me: Yes, it is….

    She became an accountant.

    I went to Miami of Ohio which was 1) a pretty good school in it’s tier and 2) notorious for having beautiful women who got good grades, but maybe weren’t always the smartest. You know – they could study and figure things out – but airhead.

    So, we were talking about the floating bridge in Cleveland … and this one girl asked “How do people know where they’re going to land.”

    It was legendary.

  42. Car in September 13, 2011 at 8:12 am #

    Oh, and a lot of these folks were accountants. They could study and learn those rules and really excel at accounting. Good fit, I guess.

  43. Car in September 13, 2011 at 8:15 am #

    WAKEY WAKEY .

    cripes.

  44. LC Aggie Sith September 13, 2011 at 8:37 am #

    Shit, I’m awake, I’m awake!!!

    “How do people know where they’re going to land.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

  45. LC Aggie Sith September 13, 2011 at 8:43 am #

    And….. NEW POAT!!!!

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