Dear Tide….

14 Jul

I’m writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since my college days, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriend’s house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn’t come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that DNA test came back negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Yours truly,

An Uncivil Peasant

68 Responses to “Dear Tide….”

  1. mrfixitou812 July 14, 2011 at 7:50 am #

    That is friggin awesome! Nice use of machette too, I’m sure… 😉

  2. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX July 14, 2011 at 9:17 am #

    Is it wrong that I laughed until I almost fell out of my chair? I’m one sick puppy….

  3. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    Good morning!!!

    This “letter” was part of a comedian’s schtick years ago, and has made the rounds in emails. There is also a woman’s version, too 😉

    http://aggiesprite.wordpress.com/2011/07/14/one-last-letter/

  4. Jay in Ames July 14, 2011 at 10:08 am #

    Reminds me of a Jerky Boys type skit, where a telemarketer for a carpet cleaning business calls up. The person answering the phone then goes into a series of questions about how much blood could the carpet cleaning company actually clean up.

    “it’s a lot of blood”

    Hilarity ensues.

  5. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    “it’s a lot of blood”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

  6. GMLand July 14, 2011 at 11:00 am #

    was the offense committed intide? or out?

    don’t worry, I already berated myself for that…

  7. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX July 14, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    Job opportunity for someone witha strong constitution:

    The Movie Chaperone will be responsible for meeting Mrs. Aarons and her two (2) children at the theater. He/she will then wait in line for popcorn while simultaneously pulling the two (2) children away from the “Postal Assassin” video game in the lobby and explaining to them why they’re not allowed to buy hot dogs cooked by a pimply concession stand worker. The individual is then expected to escort the two (2) children into the appropriate theater and find three seats that are a) not too close to the screen or b) behind a large man whose size prompts the children to scream that they “totally can’t see because of this stupidhead’s big stupid head” and kick his seat until he threatens to call an usher and have them ejected.

  8. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 11:25 am #

    don’t worry, I already berated myself for that…

    Thanks for saving me the trouble. You’re very considerate today.

  9. Car in July 14, 2011 at 11:37 am #

    When’s jazz coming back?

  10. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 11:49 am #

    The letter to Husvqarna is really touching.

  11. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 11:49 am #

    When’s jazz coming back?

    I don’t know, but I miss him 😦

  12. Jay in Ames July 14, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    Jazz is on a walkabout. Can’t you hear the didgeridoo?

  13. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    I have one of them annoying things, J’Ames. Best use: clobbering idiots.

  14. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 12:07 pm #

  15. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX July 14, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

    Since Jazz isn’t here, I’ll link a post (http://sultanknish.blogspot.com/2011/07/permanent-muslim-civil-war.html):

    The 19th century expert understood the Muslim world as essentially unchanging, seething with revolts and dynastic struggles, but still shackled to the chains of its cultural and moral limitations. But the 21st century expert insists on a progressive version of history, in which humanity is always moving upward. Where each event, good or bad, is a phase in historical development.

    A 150 years ago, a Western observer reporting on a Muslim ruler being driven out of power by an alliance of oligarchies and an angry mob would have said that it was the same sort of thing that had been going on in the region forever. His conclusion might have been cynical, even bigoted, but it would have also been realistic.

    The 21st century expert is too busy looking to the future to notice the past. The only history in the Muslim world that he is concerned with is colonial history, the tale of wrongs inflicted by Europeans on the noble inhabitants, and of the tremendous culture and great achievements of the locals. This mishmash of history informs him that the advancement of the Muslim world was aborted by Western imperialism. And when Western imperialism is finally and utterly destroyed, then the Muslim world will resume its high standards of civic culture.

  16. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 12:29 pm #

    The 21st century expert is too busy looking to the future to notice the past.

    To a progressivist, there is no past. They begin each day with a new slate.

  17. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 12:56 pm #

    I watched an old Gary Cooper movie last week called ‘The Lives of a Bengal Lancer’, set in British India in the 19th century (that India included Pockeeestaan and Afghanistan), and it dawned on me that these people have been the skidmarks on the underwear of humanity for centuries.

    Then I watched “The Lion of the Desert” earlier this week (about Muktar whatshisface in Libya in the 1920’s) and pretty much came to the same conclusion.

  18. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    If you wish to induce vomiting, watch Kingdom of Heaven.

  19. Jay in Ames July 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm #

    Kingdom of Heaven.

    Yeah, the Saladin love was a little overdone.

  20. Dick July 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    How are we today, my lil’ militants?

  21. Dick July 14, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    Absolute greatness!

  22. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    Locked and loaded, Dick.

  23. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    Absolute greatness!

    Dad of the Year FTW!!

  24. clintbird July 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm #

    *Flashes double-hole growler at poat.*

  25. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX July 14, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

    It’s hot…….

  26. Dick July 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm #

    101 here now, Teresa. Dropped a degree.

  27. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm #

    It’s super hot…it’s Africa hot….

  28. Dick July 14, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

    National Geographic saggy African booby hot.

  29. Dick July 14, 2011 at 5:17 pm #

    It’s early, but what the hell. Who wants a drink?

  30. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

    Oh, please can I have one??

    I am not too proud to beg. Springer is killing me.

  31. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

    Its 68 and overcast here.

  32. Dick July 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm #

    *slides entire bottle and dirty glass over to Aggie*

    Slam it down.

  33. Dick July 14, 2011 at 5:35 pm #

    Its 68 and overcast here.

    *places dear old friend on ‘kill first’ list*

  34. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    *places dear old friend on ‘kill first’ list*

    You could always move here.

    The enterainment possibilities are endless.

  35. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

    Its 68 and overcast here.

    Ft. Lewis sure looks good right now….

    And thank you Dick.

  36. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 5:51 pm #

    Actually, it is “Joint Base Lewis-McChord” now.

    Not that I care, I just want to see the artery through it to I-5 completed in my lifetime.

  37. Dick July 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm #

    Naww… I promised Kelly we’d head to the other coast.

    Oceanview, DE’s current temp is at 76 degrees right now.

  38. Dick July 14, 2011 at 5:55 pm #

    Wonder if the military still offers $5 MAC flights?
    Those were awesome.

  39. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

    I have to remind myself not to read certain freinds FB posts whenever there is something important going on.

    I mean, they can be wrong about things, but when you are forcefully wrong about things, and want to lecture me instead of pursuade me? It takes a lot of self-control to supress the “FUCK YOU!!!” that wells up when that happens.

  40. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 6:05 pm #

    What happened, BisW? Sounds like it could have been fun.

  41. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 6:09 pm #

    A guy who is a conservative lobbyist in DC that I freinded through some conservative friends is always trying to steer the moderate course…nothing but distain for the Tea Party and people like Bachmann and Palin.

    I like the guy…he’s funny, and he knows all the players, and was a friend of Reagan, but I swear, if I read one more “The Tea Partiers are going to get Obama re-elected meme, my head is going to foocking essplode, chu know what I mean, chicka?

  42. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 6:13 pm #

    Gee, that guy sounds real familiar, BisW. I’ve *ahem* read my share of them 😉

    my head is going to foocking essplode, chu know what I mean, chicka?

    Si, mi ese 😉

  43. Dick July 14, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

    Sounds like that fucking Ace douchebag to me.

  44. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX July 14, 2011 at 6:19 pm #

    Perhaps Bambi will send a sternly worded letter:

    http://weaselzippers.us/2011/07/14/dems-if-debt-ceiling-deal-isnt-reached-by-friday-well-have-no-choice-but-some-other-option/

    President Barack Obama told congressional leaders that a deal must be in place on Friday, or lawmakers will have to make contingency plans to raise the national debt ceiling, a top Democratic negotiator said Thursday….

    …..Asked if that meant that Congress must move to another option if a deal isn’t reached on Friday, Durbin said: “We will have no choice at that point but to turn to some other option.”

    The White House confirmed Durbin’s comments.

    Good Lord, call this guy’s bluff – he doesn’t even have a pair of deuces; I’m betting his highest hold card is a 7…..

    He just wants to be able to jet out to Chicago in time for his 50th Birthday Bash on August 4th, followed by a jaunt to Martha’s Vineyard. And you KNOW Michelle is gonna bitch if she doesn’t get to go to the Vineyard….

     

  45. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 6:19 pm #

    No. As I said, this guy actually KNOWS all of the players…like on a first name basis.

  46. Dick July 14, 2011 at 6:23 pm #

    Good point, BiW. I thought I read, “sucks all the players’ cocks”, which made me think of Ace.

  47. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

    I’m betting his highest hold card is a 7…..

    Nope, it’s a Joker, and it ain’t wild.

  48. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

    But geez, not being able to see that yet more giving in to the freespending Dems is NOT going to accomplish any different result than it has any other time?

    Fuck that. Business as usual is done.

    No fucking more. Seriously. No more allowing these bastards to destroy our economy while at the same time they get to dodge even the pretense of a budget.

    No. No fucking more.

  49. Dick July 14, 2011 at 6:35 pm #

    Priceless. Hang with it.

  50. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

    But then I’m just another stupid extremist.

    It isn’t like I have a political science degree and understand what government should and should not be doing.

    It isn’t like I’ve actually read what smarter people than I have said about government.

    It isn’t like I can figure out that if we’re just looking for the votes for the candidate with the fucking (R) after their name, and that sacrificing principles is an accepted method of making that happen, then we’re only in it for the win and a scrap or two to be tossed our way rather than any meaningful change or shift in policy.

    And it sure as hell isn’t like I haven’t figured out that if that is the case, then I might as well have not done anything at all, right?

  51. LC Aggie Sith July 14, 2011 at 6:39 pm #

    *puts Cold Steel on her Christmas List*

  52. Dick July 14, 2011 at 6:43 pm #

    BiW, I’d just as soon start offing motherfuckers. Ya get the same results, just… quicker.

  53. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere July 14, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    Claymores.

    They rock.

  54. Dick July 14, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

    I loves me a full blown crazy. At least ya know where they stand.
    http://pajamasmedia.com/michaeltotten/2011/07/14/hanging-with-the-muslim-brotherhood/

  55. Dick July 14, 2011 at 6:53 pm #

    Claymores.

    They rock.

    Kabars are more customer orientated tough.

  56. clintbird July 14, 2011 at 6:53 pm #

    Dick unfortunately decides to go on a bid job to a neighborhood about which he knows little. This is his story:

  57. Dick July 14, 2011 at 7:06 pm #

    CB, speaking of which, I was placed on some insane fucking list of contractors approved to work on historical/hysterical homes.
    When I find the person responsible, I’m breaking their kneecaps.

  58. clintbird July 14, 2011 at 7:11 pm #

    Someone must have recommended you, Dick, because they liked your work?

  59. Dick July 14, 2011 at 7:15 pm #

    Ya, but usually those people who own the historic homes around here are total pricks, who believe they know your job better than you do.
    I’d rather have a lobotomy than be on that stinking list, and what’s worse? I can’t find it.
    Gotta be some printed bullshit going around.

  60. MCPO Airdale July 14, 2011 at 7:27 pm #

  61. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX July 14, 2011 at 7:55 pm #

    Oh, goody – Barky’s calling a press conference condescending lecture to you ingrates for tomorrow morning at 11:00 a.m. EST.

    If he’s true to form, it will start around 11:30…..

  62. MCPO Airdale July 14, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

    TiFW – It’s OK. I have a 10:45 tee time.

  63. MCPO Airdale July 14, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    Scene: Airdale goes to physical therapy this morning. . .

    Airdale: Good Morning!
    Phys. Terrorist: Hi! Welcome to our Thursday Special.
    Airdale: Thursday Special? What’s that.
    Phys. Terrorist: Double the pain for half the price!
    Airdale: May I leave now?
    Phys. Terrorist: No.

  64. Dick July 14, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    Fuck those clowns, Chief. Handle it yourself.

  65. roamingfirehydrant July 15, 2011 at 6:44 am #

    New poat!

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