Is this THE greatest invention evah?

27 Feb

IMPOTENT UPDATE!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!!! [ BiW]

Last Night’s film was one of my new favorites.  I first saw it on one of the STARZ! channels two years ago, and when I was filpping channels last night, I came across it again.

It isn’t top shelf movie making, but it isn’t a low-budget makeout flick either.  I was impressed because it succeeded in yanking me into the story, and making me give a damn, and yeah, the pucker factor was pretty high for a ghost story too, and it isn’t easy to budge that needle with me.

Below gets 4.5 out of 6 puckered sphincters.

125 Responses to “Is this THE greatest invention evah?”

  1. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    I screwed this up, CB, and I’m not sure how, but I apologize anyway.

  2. Dick February 27, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

    I could get a bra off a chick faster than that back in the 70’s.

  3. Dick February 27, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

    Using nothing but my teeth.

  4. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

    Stuck 2 posts behind….

  5. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

    Next time give a warning as to a new poat, will ya??

  6. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

    Well, Dick, you are a very talented man.

  7. MCPO Airdale February 27, 2011 at 2:42 pm #

    So, I should put this on my Netflix queue?

  8. Dick February 27, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

    This poat reminds me of my childhood.
    Laying awake at night, listening to the close proximity random gunfire that always meant grandma was home from the bar and drunk again. She’d storm into the house and pull off her tube top to show us her tassel spinning talents and sometimes she’d forget about everything and holding an open can of tuna, she’d demand we couldn’t smell the difference. A lot of times, she’d tell us there was a quarter under her eye patch and we could have it. Eagerly, we’d lift the patch only to discover an empty, crusted up eye socket.

    Man… What wonderful memories…

  9. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 3:02 pm #

    Damn, Dick…

    I can’t believe you doubt your writing talents 😉

  10. Dick February 27, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

    Aggie, that was horribly written. Grandma will haunt me tonight.

  11. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

    Well, it evoked a very vivid picture, so it wasn’t bad.

  12. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

    *calls parents up, thanks them for the childhood*

  13. MCPO Airdale February 27, 2011 at 3:34 pm #

    It was a dark and stormy night. . .

  14. Dick February 27, 2011 at 3:38 pm #

    Teresa, my parents were June and Ward Cleaver. Seriously, it was that deranged.

  15. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 3:48 pm #

    So, I should put this on my Netflix queue?

    Yup. Going down to the sea in haunted pigboats.

  16. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

    Life at home

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  17. MCPO Airdale February 27, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    I see BiW met my Dad.

  18. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

    Teresa, my parents were June and Ward Cleaver. Seriously, it was that deranged.

    That explains SOOOOO very much 😉

    I’m watching ET for the billionth time.
    Somebody kill me now….

    Oh, and I added some of you miscreants to my blogroll –

  19. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 4:21 pm #

    Joe Bob looked at Billy William and Bobby Robert, who each met his gaze without any emotion.

    “Men,” he said with all the severity the occaision merited, “the motor is out of gas, we are in alligator infested waters, and we have 4 beers left.”

    No wind stirred the mirror-like waters, which were tinged a shade of orange and pink that only the evening sky could successfully create. The sound of the evening bird calls mixed seemlessly with the low moans and shuffling sounds of the hungry zombies on shores of the lake, standing watch for days now in their futile attempt to satisfy their undying hunger for vibrant, pulsing, living human flesh.

    Billy William, in no hurry to become the evening’s entree, knew that the gas held in reserve for the chainsaws could power the motor if the winds rose again and began to push the pontoon barge closer to the undead mouths that threatened a horrible death followed by a never-ending torment of an all-encompassing hunger that could never be fullfilled. Fastening his best poker face on, he silently began wondering if he could dismember his freinds fast enough to keep them from becoming a threat if he killed them before either of them grabbed another beer.

    Bobby Robert quietly cursed his luck. God had never blessed him with an abundance of brains, but he had at least enjoyed the good fortune of freinds who had always looked out for him, and saved him from his own shortcomings. His presence on this boat when the rest of the town was now wordlessly shuffling on the shore, looking to take a bite or ten out of his ample pink flesh, was all testimony necessary to establish this fact. But even the hamster wheel in his head started to turn slowly with the faint recognition that Joe Bob’s announcement meant that a “rubber meets the road” moment was fast approaching. He shut his eyes and offered a silent prayer to the God who had treated him so cruely would at least grant him the mercy of a swift death that would grasp him in an eternal embrace and spare him the agony of the resurrection into a half-life ruled by nothing more than a taste for human flesh.

    Joe Bob cooly looked in to the faces of the two men he had known from childhood, and slowly reached around to the .45 stuffed in the back of his pants, pausing only long enough to consider the absolute lack of any conscience preventing him from feeling any sorrow about his plans….

  20. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 4:26 pm #

    I think I hurt myself laughing at BisW comment….

    Teresa, if your family frequents your blog, I suggest you not include H&B 😉

  21. Dick February 27, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

    I’m watching ET for the billionth time.
    Somebody kill me now….

    Ha! I’ve never seen it once. But I was anally probed by an alien when I stayed at a Holiday Inn.
    Bastard didn’t even send flowers.

  22. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

    Bastard didn’t even send flowers.

    But did you get a courtesy reach-around?

  23. Dick February 27, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

    But did you get a courtesy reach-around?
    So tacky. I had to ask.

  24. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 4:51 pm #

    Damn, sure was a cold-hearted bastard, Dick.

  25. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 4:52 pm #

    Scott Simpson stood at the end of the pier, facing the mainland and wrapped in the cloak of his own unsettling thoughts.

    It had been a week since the strange, confused broadcasts. It just hadn’t seemed possible that the dead had risen again, to feast upon the living, but within a day, the broadcasts had ended, and even the radio stations now beamed nothing my silence in the surrounding ether. Two days ago, the distant lights went dark.

    On the island, Scott had grown used to isolation. Fifteen years of running the bed and breakfast had made him immune from its effects, or so he thought. But lately, his feelings matched the opinions voiced by his wife, Susan, and their two summer staff members, Josh and Betty. This time of year was usually their busy time, but on the first day of the reports, most of the guests hurried on to the ferry operated by Smith’s Ferry Service and left to rejoin their families on the eastern shore. Scott thought of Captain Smith’s last radio broadcast, and an involuntary shiver shot down his back with the force of a shotgun blast.

    Bennett’s Island was one of the bigger offshore islands located in Lake Michigan. At almost ten miles long, and four miles wide at its widest point, it was still largely wild, and possessed a good supply of both game and timber. Scott and his family were the only permanent residents, and maintained a small farm to grow local vegetables, and to provide eggs and dairy products to the bed and breakfast. They had laid in the winter supplies early because of an anticipated price hike in the diesel that ran the generators, and the heating oil that kept the home warm in the teeth of the wildest Michigan winters.

    As alone as Scott felt looking across the waters to the sliver of land just on the end of the horizon, Scott’s thoughts centered on the coming winter, and he quietly hoped that the winter would not be so cold that the lake would turn to ice between the island and the shore, as it had done at random intervals in the decades before. He was normally a hospitable person, as the three guests who had remained and were now stranded, would agree, yet he wanted no part of the guests that such a freeze might bring to his door.

  26. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    Ok, officially creeped out….

  27. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm #

    Ha! I’ve never seen it once. But I was anally probed by an alien when I stayed at a Holiday Inn.
    Bastard didn’t even send flowers.

    Just another fart collector from Sirus.

  28. Dick February 27, 2011 at 5:21 pm #

    Scott thinks too much.

    Okay, I just got a phone call from a woman in Bonham, Tx (120 fucking miles away) who asked if I’d come out and give her a free opinion on a masonry problem she has, but she wants another guy to fix it.

    I gave her my free opinion over the phone and I promise she’ll never call me again.

  29. Dick February 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm #

    BiW, you’ll find this interesting.

    http://gizmodo.com/#!wtf/5769261

  30. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm #

    asked if I’d come out and give her a free opinion on a masonry problem she has, but she wants another guy to fix it.

    WTF?? Shouldn’t the guy who is going to fix it give her the opinion?

    Does she think she shit smells of roses, too?

  31. Dick February 27, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

    Aggie, I love the sheer gall of some folks.

  32. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

    Meanwhile, Bubba Wayne and Darlene had locked themselves in the Circle K, so as to avoid becoming zombies themselves. After feasting on moonpies and RC Cola, they salvaged around on the shelves until they found what they were looking for.

    Not knowing when or if they would make it through the rest of the long night, they wasted no time in divesting each other of their clothing and getting down to business.

    Bubba Wayne filled his hands with Darlene’s ample breasts and started to feast. Darlene arched her back in avid delight and held Bubba Wayne’s mullet-shorn head tightly to her heaving bosom. Her hands moved down his body to grasp his firm flanks, well-muscled from days spent working in the fields.

    A soft gasp escaped Darlene’s mouth, open in unspoken ecstasy. The gasp became a moan when Bubba Wayne used one of his hands to reach up and roughly grab a handful of Darlene’s hair, until that moment held in place with a liberal application of White Rain hairspray.

  33. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *gasp….choke……*

    BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. Dick February 27, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

    Teresa, you’re a sick woman. Sick, sick, sick.

  35. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 5:49 pm #

    Bryce Tifton adjusted the cowboy hat, bringing the brim even lower on his forehead. He shut his left eye, his right working in concert with his arms and hands to bring the crosshairs to rest on the head of what had been the only doctor in Los Chachere, Texas, Ralph Tamblin. Effortlessly, he squeezed the trigger, and the good doctor fell to the dirt street, finally at peace. Bryce drew the rifle back, and wiped the sweat from his brow with an old handkerchief. He never liked people much. Most of his life had been a series of failed relationships and angry confrontations with the various members of society. Still, this small town had always claimed him as one of its own, no matter how much anger he flashed to them in happier times before the world went mad…and hungry.

    As detatched as he had always been from the goings-on, around town, he couldn’t say when the people he’d known all his life changed from normal people to shuffling corpses, animated with only one thought. He ony knew it happened fast…as fast as the change could transform a person into one of them. Even though it happened days ago, he could still remember them showing up at his place, and his high-speed trip in to town, and stop at Rodgers’ Gun Shop.

    Chet Rodgers had been one of the few people Bryce had ever met who didn’t drive him insane. Maybe it was because outside of discussing firearms, Chet didn’t have much to say. Maybe it was because Bryce could look into Chet’s eyes and recognize that same thing that he harbored in his own…memories of far-off places, terrible deeds, and things that no polite company could ever truly contemplate. Regardless of that shared experience, Bryce saw something different on that day…fear.

    As he screeched to a stop in front of the gun shop, he saw Chet swing the door open and yell “Fer chrisakes, hurry the hell up! I can’t hold them off forever!”
    Bryce jumped out of the pickup and tore in through the open doorway. Behind him, Chet fired six rounds, then slamed the door shut and locked it.

    As the daylight faded, Chet told Bryce that what had started out as a normal day had turned to chaos before lunch. He also told him that his wife, Charlene, was still alive in the Diner across the street, as a combination of luck and good timing had allowed her to lock the doors and hid before she had been noticed. The two had spoken just before the town’s phone exchange had gone dead.

    That night, Charlene attempted to cross what she thought had been a quiet and abandonned Main Street. She had almost made it to the middle of the street when what had been Josh Harold shot out from behind a parked car and grabbed her, clawing and biting at her neck. Chet and Bryce both fired, and Josh’s body collapsed almost instantly as parts of his brains sprayed in two different directions. Charlene fell to her knees, crying out Chet’s name, as he broke cover and rushed out into the street. Charlene couldn’t get up. She seemed to be convulsing, so Chet bent over to pick her up, and with her safe in his arms, he turned to start back to the gun shop. Bryce watched through the rifle scope when suddenly Charlene’s head bobbed and she sank her teeth into Chet’s neck, blood squirting everywhere as Chet’s screams broke the night’s silence. Bryce slowly exhaled and Chalene’s head disolved as Chet fell to his knees. In less than thirty seconds, Chet had stopped convulsing, and when his head raised back up and turned to Bryce’s direction, Bryce could see in his freind’s eyes that man he once knew was gone. He slammed the reinforced door shut, and locked it, while Chet’s body growled and threw itself against the door and building in a futile attempt to get to Bryce.

    That was a week and a half ago.

    Bryce wasn’t sure how much the ammunition would last. Chet had done a great job of laying in supplies. Food and water were in ample supply, and while the ammunition still seemed to be plentiful, so did the corpses coming to the building on Main Street. He never realized that so many people once lived in this little town, and he wasn’t prepared to see how death had found so many of them. Little Cindy Johnson, blood all around her mouth, staning her dress and shoes, her dead eyes focued on Bryce. Lydia Roberts had obviously been entertaining, her once desirable naked body with bites taken out of random places, her face frozen in a grotesque mask of shock. It had seemed a kindness to help both of their bodies join their long-departed souls.

    A warm breeze carried the stench of decaying flesh up to his roof top perch as the beads of sweat rolled down his forehead. It was already hot, and it wasn’t yet mid-day. He sat forward as he realized he finally had the shot he’d wanted to take for days.

    As he set the crosshairs on Chet’s body’s head, he exhaled slowly, sighing as Chet’s body crumbled to the dirt. “So long, Ol’ buddy.” he muttered, as he set the rifle down, and cracked open a warm can of beer.

  36. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 5:55 pm #

    Glad it made you laugh, Aggie!

    Thanks, Dick – writing fiction is harder than it looks. All of those trashy historical romance novels/bodice rippers I’ve read over the years finally came in handy….

    And I figure every story needs some comic relief and/or a sex scene or two, right?

  37. Dick February 27, 2011 at 5:57 pm #

    Thanks, Dick – writing fiction is harder than it looks.

    You’re telling me this? Lmao!

  38. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 6:00 pm #

    A soft gasp escaped Darlene’s mouth, open in unspoken ecstasy. The gasp became a moan when Bubba Wayne used one of his hands to reach up and roughly grab a handful of Darlene’s hair, until that moment held in place with a liberal application of White Rain hairspray.

    This portion “Z Minus 9” is brought to you by:

    The Vasectomy Shop™: We can help keep moments like this from turning into moments like this:
    *cut to an angry Darlene clutching a red wrinkled baby, howling and smelling of baby crap* “Here you go, DADDY! Now where is my damn child support check???”

    and The Offices Of William S. Randolph. When you don’t want to be the Daddy, we can help. Specializing in Paternity Cases exclusively since 1998.

  39. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

    I meant to put an exclamation point after that statement and add a phrase about how you would already know that….

  40. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

    BiW, you’ll find this interesting.

    http://gizmodo.com/#!wtf/5769261

    Very interesting. Of course, he still thinks he wants to be a certified Lego professional.

  41. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

    BiW, I forget that you ain’t from these here parts – that right there was sheer White Trash poetry! It isn’t often that you can read a literary masterpiece that combines the Circle K, moonpies, RC Cola, mullets, and White Rain in just a couple of paragraphs!

    Why, I managed to make a “best of” right there – I included all of the hackneyed cliches of the Southern trailer park in 250 words or less….

  42. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 6:19 pm #

    I’m waiting for the Old Man to weigh in with the Berzerker vignette.

  43. Dick February 27, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

    Teresa, I loves me a good moon pie, and I’ll kill for an RC cola.

  44. Dick February 27, 2011 at 6:26 pm #

    I’m waiting for the Old Man to weigh in with the Berzerker vignette.

    Meh… Not a single machete.

  45. beasn February 27, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…………..

    Mr. Beasn had our taxes done today.

    son of a ………..

    FUUUUUUUUUUU………….

  46. beasn February 27, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

    Lookit that, I fudded right off into the saloon.

    Thousands. Ass-f*cked out of thousands.

  47. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 7:10 pm #

    Ruh-roh, Beasn – what happened?

    Of course, if you become a Democrat politician, you know you won’t have to pay that money back, right?
    (Sorry, I know it’s not anything to joke about….)

  48. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 7:13 pm #

    Holy shit, Beasn. Have you had someone double check?

  49. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 7:18 pm #

    BisW, that Berzerker vignette is better than the last episodes of The Wlaking Dead.

  50. Dick February 27, 2011 at 7:21 pm #

    Sounds like us every year, Beasn. Remember, if you don’t want to pay the entire bill in a lump sum, the IRS will take payments at a lower interest (2-4%) than a bank charges.
    Second, get a second opinion unless you completely trust your accountant. (I trust mine cause he’s my brother)

  51. beasn February 27, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    Well, combined with my salary, we made a tiny bit more last year and then something to do with the way sales work with our LLC. What sucks is, where in hell did it all go? WTF? We’ve been tighter with the budget and I still feel like we haven’t done better.

    I already asked if we needed a second opinion and he feels certain it is correct. Meh.

  52. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 7:42 pm #

    I would still get a second opinion, Beasn – and have someone who DOESN’T use a computer program do the computations.

    Something doesn’t sound right…

    It’s possible their computer program is using the pre-lame-duck-session assumption that everyone was going to be paying higher taxes come January –

  53. GMLand February 27, 2011 at 8:03 pm #

    My top 5 greatest inventions ever list:

    1. Beer
    2. Ice
    3. Ice cold beer

  54. GMLand February 27, 2011 at 8:04 pm #

    *sits in poat naked cuz everyone must be watching Oskars*

  55. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 8:06 pm #

    BisW, that Berzerker vignette is better than the last episodes of The Wlaking Dead.

    That wasn’t it. That was someone who has all the time in the world to wait for the end.

    A berserker vignette would be like River Tam and the Reavers at the end of Serenity. And that kind of beauty would be best left to the Old Man.

  56. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    My top 5 greatest inventions ever list:

    1. Sexy Nighties.

    2. The Compact Disc.

    3. A Steak and a blowjob night.

    4. The wok.

    5. In freezer ice makers.

  57. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    *sits in poat naked cuz everyone must be watching Oskars*

    I would rather have a hooker come to my house and have Hubby take her on my bed, than watch the twatwaffles parade as if their shit smelled of Shalimar.

  58. Dick February 27, 2011 at 8:12 pm #

    Best inventions ever:

    Pussy

    Titties

    Tequila

    Money

    Pussy

    I love pussy.

  59. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    The next five greatest inventions:

    1. The internal combustion engine.

    2. Pr0n.

    3. Gasoline

    4. The gel ink rollerball pen

    5. IcyHot

  60. GMLand February 27, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    My top 5 greatest inventions ever list:
    1. Sexy Nighties.
    2. The Compact Disc.
    3. A Steak and a blowjob night.
    4. The wok.
    5. In freezer ice makers.

    – – – –

    6. pizza and a blowjob night
    7. casserole and a blowjob night
    8. mexican food and handjob night (careful of the jalapenos!)
    9. blowjob night
    10. see 9

  61. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 8:16 pm #

    My top 5 greatest inventions ever list:

    1) Pearl necklaces. All kinds.
    2) Bubblebath.
    3) Unbreakable stemware.
    4) June Cleaver aprons.
    5) Footie PJs.

  62. GMLand February 27, 2011 at 8:17 pm #

    Aggie – are you logged in? You should login!

  63. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 8:17 pm #

    10. see 9

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

  64. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    “The Eleventy Millionth Broadcast of Hollyweird’s Most Self-Indulgent Night™ is brought to you by:

    Shallimar Suppositories™. Because if your shit has to stink, it still shouldn’t smell like it was pinched off the ass of a common person.

    Shallimar Suppositories™. Making your shit smell uncommon since 1972.

    And don’t forget to try Shallimar Va-Jay-Jay Wipes™, because if you’re gonna avoid panty lines by going commando, you don’t need to make everyone think they wandered into the local fish market.”

  65. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 8:25 pm #

    if you’re gonna avoid panty lines by going commando, you don’t need to make everyone think they wandered into the local fish market

    *spews tea*

    *curses*

    *goes to clean up*

  66. Dick February 27, 2011 at 8:27 pm #

    Best ever inventions:

    Gas powered, turbocharged, three piston asshammer

    All sybian machines

    The cement mixer

    vibrators

    pick up trucks

  67. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 8:28 pm #

    And Prozac™.

    Prozac: Keeping you from joining the rest of the world on the BatshitInsaneCrazy Train since 1990.

    Just because the world is insane doesn’t mean that you need to have your mellow harshed. Take two and keep on smiling, even in the face of islamic aggression abroad, communist aggression at home, and hatred of all things American by the Democratic Party.

    Prozac: Helping you to see that the real problem is BUSHCHENEYHALIBURTON!!!!1111!!!! Since 2000.

  68. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    Next Five Best Inventions:

    1. Power Ballads

    2. Mullets

    3. Wine Coolers

    4. Night Train

    5. Bathroom Condom Dispensers

    Without which, thousands of pimply faced guys never would have gotten laid in their teenage years.

  69. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    Gas powered, turbocharged, three piston asshammer

    Can’t argue with that.

  70. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 8:39 pm #

    Alright. Now what are we going to talk about? The shame and heartbreak of psoriasis?

  71. GMLand February 27, 2011 at 8:41 pm #

    Nah – go with some more lists..!

  72. Dick February 27, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

    We should discuss the fight against Chinese knock off asshammers and their horrible effect on the US female population.

  73. GMLand February 27, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

    Them Chinese asshammers, while cheaper, do not share the same quality or technological advances that the Finnish ones do.

    So I hear!

  74. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

    The Finnish? I thought it was the Swedes??

  75. Dick February 27, 2011 at 8:50 pm #

    The Swedes use a different design of their own making.
    They supercharge their asshammers. I bow in awe.

  76. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 8:50 pm #

    On Tonight’s Special Report:

    The Growing Threat of Chinese Knockoff Three Piston Asshammers: Do they threaten the happiness of women? And if so, WHY?

    *cut to interview, sillhouetted woman with mechanically altered voice*

    “I mean, I had no idea how it was going to affect me. By my second use, I was feeling bruised by the small and bent attachment, and my boyfriend left me because I kept screaming at the top of my lungs “Give me a boy, Wong! Give me a boy! We can only keep one!” He was really mad, because he’s sterile, and his name isn’t Wong. Well, that and the fact that I’m pregnant, and I have this insatiable craving for chicken fried rice and cream of sum yung gui.”

    Dont Miss Tonight’s Hard Hitting Report.

  77. Dick February 27, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    God Damned Chinks….

  78. Dick February 27, 2011 at 8:53 pm #

    God damn, Kirk Douglas looks like hammered shit on a Ritz cracker.

  79. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

    A few bad strokes will do that to you, Dick.

    Still, he’s twice the man his son is.

  80. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

    I don’t think I want to tune in to the hard hitting report…

  81. Dick February 27, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    I gotta say he looks like pure shit, but for a couple of strokes and being 94, he holding up good for that many hard miles.

  82. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    It’s New.

    It’s Streamlined.

    It’s been rigorously tested in our special studios all over the San Fernando Valley.

    The BigDick™ Three-Piston Asshammer.
    The quality goes in, and in, and in, and in, and in, and in, and in…

  83. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    Still, he’s twice the man his son is.

    And yet he STILL gets to hit this like the fist of an angry God every single night.

    http://tinyurl.com/4khoyrn

  84. MCPO Airdale February 27, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    Did I win an Oscar?

    Where is my fucking Oscar?

  85. Dick February 27, 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    Chief, check up your ass, or mine for that matter. If ya find one, let me know.

  86. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

    And the award for the best imitation of a grumpy old guy on a Rascal is…

    SEAMUS MACGILLIGUDDY OF CLEVELAND OHIO!!!!111!!!!!

  87. Dick February 27, 2011 at 9:19 pm #

    I wanna get an Oscar for being the biggest asshole on the net.

  88. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    I wanna get an Oscar for being the biggest asshole on the net.

    It isn’t like I can withdraw the nomnation I got. But you might be in the running for a special Lifetime Achievement Award. 😉

  89. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

    Where did everyone go?

    C’mon everybody. ENTERTAIN ME!!!

  90. MCPO Airdale February 27, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

    *Does best nekkid dance through the thread*

    There! Happy?

  91. Dick February 27, 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    Christ, BiW…. I’m watching a shitload of commies suck each others cocks.

  92. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

    The BigDick™ Three-Piston Asshammer

    I would totally get one. For Science(tm).

  93. Dick February 27, 2011 at 9:33 pm #

    I would totally get one. For Science(tm).

    I’ll send you an autographed asshammer.

  94. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 9:35 pm #

    Christ, BiW…. I’m watching a shitload of commies suck each others cocks.

    A bunch of America-hating ghey pr0n.

    Why don’t you just chug a Draino cocktail and get it over with?

  95. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 9:36 pm #

    Dick, WHY????

  96. MCPO Airdale February 27, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

    I watched an Anime movie and now watching NCIS.

  97. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

    I’ll send you an autographed asshammer

    WIN!!!!!!

  98. Dick February 27, 2011 at 9:38 pm #

    Actually, some of the bullshit is a bit amusing.
    Other than that, it’s worthless.

  99. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 9:43 pm #

    You could watch a movie that was nominated for 7, won one, and was better than 90% of the crap Hollyweird turned out in the last 3 years:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZE3mhyEpd4&feature=related

  100. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 9:44 pm #

    I watched an Anime movie and now watching NCIS.

    The marathon on USA, or the one from a couple of weeks ago with Kate’s sister in it?

  101. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 10:03 pm #

    Twist my left tit… I have a whiny kid watching Nickelodeon.

    I would rather watch the Oscars…

  102. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

    If I have to watch one more wedding show, I might just knaw my own eyes out.

  103. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

    Wedding show? Why bother with that shit??

  104. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 10:09 pm #

    Great question. I’ve never gotten an answer.

    I think she’s planning for when she trades me in for the younger model.

  105. MCPO Airdale February 27, 2011 at 10:09 pm #

    Marathon

  106. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 10:18 pm #

    i think she’s just wanting to bitch about the dresses. Most women do, BisW.

  107. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

    The BigDick™ Three-Piston Asshammer

    I would totally get one. For Science(tm).

    Somebody’s got to write the product review, right? Ya know, the testimonial for the advertisement…

  108. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX February 27, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

    And yeah, Michael Douglas is a lucky, lucky man. Mr. TiFW salivates at the sight of Ms. Zeta-Jones – she looks the way a woman is SUPPOSED to look.

    The bitch.

  109. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 10:33 pm #

    The bitch

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

  110. Dick February 27, 2011 at 10:43 pm #

    I’m out on KZJ. She doesn’t look normal enough for me.

    G’night bootiful peasant wimmens.

  111. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 10:48 pm #

    G’night, Dick!!

  112. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 11:11 pm #

    I’m out.

  113. LC Aggie Sith February 27, 2011 at 11:15 pm #

    10-4, good buddies!

  114. PattyAnn February 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm #

    I missed the top 5 list AND Oscar bitching AND the autographed 3-piston asshammer? SUMBITCH!

  115. PattyAnn February 27, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

    We’re never going to get a pianner this way.

  116. clintbird February 28, 2011 at 12:30 am #

    Shhhhhhhh! I’m huntin’ for wabbits.

  117. PattyAnn February 28, 2011 at 12:42 am #

    No can do. We’re watching 3 Dog Night DVD and John has it turned up to 11. We watched Michael McDonald and Friends before that and he tried to turn it up to 12.

  118. clintbird February 28, 2011 at 12:43 am #

    I like Michael McDonald. Good night, cruel world, wherever you are!

  119. Car in February 28, 2011 at 6:45 am #

    Wankey wakey.

    back from skiing. Nothing got broken

  120. Dick February 28, 2011 at 7:07 am #

    No Sonny Bonos were killed in the making of Carin’s getaway weekend.

  121. ArmedGeek February 28, 2011 at 7:49 am #

    Morning Morning … which one of you lazy fuckers is responsible for failing to get a morning post up ?

  122. Car in February 28, 2011 at 8:08 am #

    I do not ski through the trees. I don’t understand the thrill of that particular action.

    But I tore up those black diamonds.

    (I need to get a helmet,just in case)

    When I restarted skiing five years or so ago (after 20 years absence) I was going rather slower.

    I’ve … sped up a bit.

  123. Car in February 28, 2011 at 8:11 am #

    Of course, I’ve come to realize that for many skiers, the sport is more of a drinking game. There are THREE spots to get alcohol on the top of the hills, and more bars at the bottom. This isn’t a HUGE resort (good sized, but still it’s Michigan, not out west.)

    And, I heard more than once “One more run, then time for a drink?” from fellow skiers.

    Also – one last note. I get a kick out of the (usually cooger age) women dressed to the nines in $$$$ ski apparel. Funny … I rarely see them on the hills???? I wonder where they’re skiing? I mean, I see ’em in the lodge and fixing their make up in the bathrooms. In the shop buying more stuff.

    They just never seem to be in the lift lines.

    Someone help me solve this mystery.

  124. LC Aggie Sith February 28, 2011 at 8:17 am #

    NEW POAT!!!

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